Comments that I read or heard, quite innocent and spontaneous in their formulation, made me think and made me want to develop a particular point of the BDSM universe. A particular point, because "BDSM" covers a multitude of codes and practices but a sufficiently central point to be recurrent and at the heart of the imagination.

First of all, I would like to make it clear that I am developing my point of view here. I think it's a way of seeing things that I'm not the only one to share but nevertheless I don't consider it to be the only or even the best truth and I make no claim to universalism.

This framework being fixed, I can come to my point and before to those who make me react:
“BDSM is hurting”
“BDSM is beating each other up”

It's all about the definition of hurting and the meaning behind the words.
To do harm, for me, is to act against another with malicious intentions, with the aim of injuring the body or the spirit and this has nothing to do with BDSM.


Impact games
What we are talking about when we talk about “hurting” concerns mainly (but not exclusively) all impact games, whether with the hands, a riding crop, a whip, a paddle, etc.

For me, the purpose - not of BDSM, because it is in no way an entity or even a single concept - but of the practitioners of impact games is a quest or rather quests for pleasure, surpassing and knowledge of oneself and the other, of intellectual or simply physical stimulation... In short, the search for sensations and experiences, whether in control and knowledge of the other or in letting go, the search for one's limits and trust to give.

In this state of mind, the goal is not to hurt, or even to hurt and even less to hurt his partner. The goal is the search for sensations. And I make no hierarchy and even less elitism in my description. Sensations can be present at different levels of practice. Whether it's a simple spanking as part of an erotic game or a whipping session requiring a certain degree of mastery.


Bottom: The person in pain?
I will try to go beyond the “simple” sadistic / masochistic definition with which I could simply write that one of the two partners likes to be hurt and the other likes to be hurt. This is not false but it is far from being the only spring of these games and I find it too easy to sum it up like this.

For the “bottom” person, the one who will receive the pain, because there is still pain, the sensations sought can be of different orders. This is not my favorite position, but I will try to summarize what I have in mind, my submissive will correct or complete in a future article, if necessary. Self-surrender. In the positive and liberating sense of the term, in the sense that the body receives constraints that one does not directly control, this requires adopting a particular state of mind which can go so far as to disconnect, in part, from the feeling of pain, letting go and exploring feelings of detachment, liberation and extraordinary pleasure (in the sense that it is out of the ordinary, but sometimes also in the common sense of the term).

• Self-surrender. In the positive and liberating sense of the term, in the sense that the body receives constraints that one does not directly control, this requires adopting a particular state of mind which can go so far as to disconnect, in part, from the feeling of pain, letting go and exploring feelings of detachment, liberation and extraordinary pleasure (in the sense that it is out of the ordinary, but sometimes also in the common sense of the term).
   
• Self-giving. In the sense that, in this situation, we put ourselves in the hands of someone else to whom we grant our trust and to whom we give the right to play with our own body, our sensations, our feelings. It's not a trivial act and it requires trust and an established framework, but it's a very strong feeling to surrender to someone, especially when it's a person you trust, that the we appreciate and whom we want to please, which is generally the case in the context of a D/s relationship between a submissive and a dominant.
   
• Surpassing oneself. This practice, being in a position to receive during impact games, is almost obligatory accompanied by a notion of surpassing oneself, for oneself, for one's partner or for both. To surpass oneself to go further, to know how far one can go, what one can bear, when the sensations change, what is the limit between pain and pleasure... All these quests come into account in the notion of surpassing, whether by challenge, by seeking pleasure or to know and seek to push back the threshold not to be exceeded.
   
• Pleasure. Obviously, this is not torture and the primary motivation is the search for pleasure, whether direct or indirect, by nesting in the complexity of the human brain, by mixing the sensations described above, by adding others, by linking them to fantasies, to personal feelings. Impact games are not blows, they are unique links that are created between the two practitioners for a moment, out of time, whether casual or in the context of a relationship. The instruments used, the way to use them, the way to receive them are all elements that make each playing session unique, with intentions, sensations and a particular context.

This is not exhaustive and the feelings and motivations for each person may be different, do not hesitate to complete if you wish in the comments.


Top: The person who hurts?
In the same way, the “top” person, that is to say the person who will cause pain in the context of impact games, cannot be reduced to a single sadistic pleasure, that of hurting and even less that of to cause suffering.

It's a position that I know best, and for me it's not about hurting, I don't like hurting, nor hurting, I don't like hurting... This imposes the obvious which is not only the essential, clear and unequivocal consent of the bottom person but also his pleasure and the pursuit of it.

The sensations are, in this role, less direct and are, in my opinion, a lot in the pleasure of giving sensations to his or her partner, the search for sensitive points, pleasure, limits...

It's pointless to hurt. The interest lies in making something feel and achieving the subtle balance between pain and pleasure that allows the bottom person to let go.

The role given to us here by the bottom person (because it is in this sense that it must happen) allows us to explore the pleasure of having a feeling of control and influence over his or her partner and of bring him to sensations and unconventional pleasure. This influence which is granted to the top person imposes a great sense of responsibility, a certain degree of mastery, both of oneself and of one's actions but also of one's partner to , in case of total letting go, having to make the decision to stop even if the request is not made.


Consent and communication
In each case, what is important is to take into account this quest for both physical and cerebral sensations of the two or more participants. But, above all, of the person in the "bottom" position (who receives the pain) so that it remains an experience, if not pleasant, at least rewarding and so that it does not turn into simply hurting and, or even worse, hurt it.

You can reproach me, perhaps, for over-intellectualizing the practice, but in reality it is very simple. Everything is based on communication, consent and knowledge of the other. It's simple, but the rush or excitement of the moment can quickly turn a moment of pleasure into an unpleasant one.

To avoid switching to the dark side (to hurt) it is for me necessary to set and maintain a framework allowing a clear communication of desires and feelings, keeping in mind that these can change during the practice and that the condition of the person, submissive, even masochistic in no way prefigures his acceptance of such and such a practice.

Knowing how to listen to the other, both communication and non-verbal communication is essential for a risk-free practice allowing the development of both partners.


To conclude
There would be many more things to say and this may be the subject of additional articles, the comment space is also open if you want to share your point of view. For me, the impact in BDSM can hurt, of course, but must not hurt, otherwise it is no longer BDSM but simply violence.

Spanking, whipping, whipping... are all games and practices that allow you to explore sensations and experience different forms of pleasure, both for the person receiving and for the person giving.

To do this, this imposes certain keys and certain essential and non-optional prerequisites, communication, before, during and after, which translates into the fact of being attentive and defining, from the outset, rules, signals and limits… and therefore by respecting and verifying consent at each stage of the practice. This obviously presupposes having established - through communication - clear means of expressing consent and its renewal.

Once these prerequisites have been well assimilated and verified, free rein can be given to the practice which, in my opinion, is a quest for sensations and reciprocal feelings, between letting go, influence, support, complicity and trust...

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